So I've been thinking and trying to deal with this feeling that I have deep deep deep down inside that I WILL carry another pregnancy of my own someday...of course in God's perfect timing, but I know that I will carry another child that I will then have placed in my arms someday. Call me crazy, but the LORD will bless me and only he knows my heart's desire and only HE can fulfill those desires! I will not let the devil get to me. I will NOT let anyone take my desires away and I will NOT let anyone tell me that my God might not give me that next child. I feel it deep down inside, and he WILL!
We got the results back from the testing they did on our latest little baby...it was a BOY (I KNEW IT!) and it was perfect in every way. There was not one problem with the baby. In a way this is kind of good news, but in a way it is kind of saddening. It's good to know that it's not a problem between Nathan and I making the babies or passing down some gene, but it's sad in that I am feeling it's more something wrong with ME. I feel even more like it's a problem with MY body that my body is failing me, but then I think of my precious little boy that God already gave to me!
I hate to say it, but when I found out that Ky was a boy, I was a little bit down. I REALLY wanted him to be girl, but I must say, God knew what I needed there too. Ky is absolutely wonderful and it seems as though every time I'm feeling down, God uses Kyler to show me that he hasn't forgotten about me. He gave me Kyler to get me through these tough times. Kyler has been more than affectionate and it doesn't get rid of the feelings I'm having, but it helps me deal with those feelings and also it shows me that I am loved! I know God loves me too and only wants the best for me. Someday, I might adopt, I don't know, but I WILL carry another pregnancy to term and have another child...someday! For now, I wait and learn patience some more!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Mother's Day...and that it WAS! A couple times Nate asked me what was wrong, but I honestly had a PERFECT Mother's Day and wasn't down and depressed like I could have been. I don't have much time for a post tonight, but I just wanted to let you all know about what a GREAT day I had even in the midst of grief!
First, I got to go to church and again see God's power and I got to not only praise HIM, but afterwards I got to share again how God WILL use this and he WILL bless me! After church Nate made an EXCELLENT pork roast which he had been marinating ALL week long in some red wine...I didn't think I'd like it too much, but it was pretty good and the meat was quite tender! After that, I got to play outside with Kyler in shorts and a t-shirt! (What amazing weather...I usually don't wear t-shirts and shorts til at least July!) I also got to lay down and take a nap with Kyler, until he decided that enough was enough and didn't want to sleep, so Nate and I took him on another bike ride. It was relaxing, but HARD work...I think I need to get back into going to the gym again...or at least trying to ride my bike more! We stopped at the park and let Kyler play for a little bit, then came home, had dinner and gave Kyler a bath and put him to bed. And lest I forget, Nathan is the BEST husband a girl could ask for! For mother's day this year (which I opened my gift early on accident) he planned a week long trip to Florida! I'm pretty excited and I think it will be pretty fun. He said we may have to use it as mother's day/father's day and anniversary gifts, but I'm going to convince him to take me to Cedar Point on our anniversary (and leave Kyler with the grandparents) since we haven't been able to go since before Kyler...I sort of got pregnant right before we had a trip planned for our 3rd anniversary and I haven't been able to go since! This year we WILL be able to go, if nothing else for just a day and be able to spend some time on thrill rides and roller coasters just the two of us! I can't wait!
Alright, well that's about it...I'll write more about my faith and what I believe and feel right now maybe tomorrow. For now, I gotta go fold laundry and watch my weekly tv show...Desperate Housewives! Again thank-you everyone for the prayers!
First, I got to go to church and again see God's power and I got to not only praise HIM, but afterwards I got to share again how God WILL use this and he WILL bless me! After church Nate made an EXCELLENT pork roast which he had been marinating ALL week long in some red wine...I didn't think I'd like it too much, but it was pretty good and the meat was quite tender! After that, I got to play outside with Kyler in shorts and a t-shirt! (What amazing weather...I usually don't wear t-shirts and shorts til at least July!) I also got to lay down and take a nap with Kyler, until he decided that enough was enough and didn't want to sleep, so Nate and I took him on another bike ride. It was relaxing, but HARD work...I think I need to get back into going to the gym again...or at least trying to ride my bike more! We stopped at the park and let Kyler play for a little bit, then came home, had dinner and gave Kyler a bath and put him to bed. And lest I forget, Nathan is the BEST husband a girl could ask for! For mother's day this year (which I opened my gift early on accident) he planned a week long trip to Florida! I'm pretty excited and I think it will be pretty fun. He said we may have to use it as mother's day/father's day and anniversary gifts, but I'm going to convince him to take me to Cedar Point on our anniversary (and leave Kyler with the grandparents) since we haven't been able to go since before Kyler...I sort of got pregnant right before we had a trip planned for our 3rd anniversary and I haven't been able to go since! This year we WILL be able to go, if nothing else for just a day and be able to spend some time on thrill rides and roller coasters just the two of us! I can't wait!
Alright, well that's about it...I'll write more about my faith and what I believe and feel right now maybe tomorrow. For now, I gotta go fold laundry and watch my weekly tv show...Desperate Housewives! Again thank-you everyone for the prayers!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Refreshed!
I am refreshed. I was kind of not looking forward to going and getting out my feelings some more tonight, but after doing so, I feel SOOOO incredibly refreshed. It's like when you are so smelly and sweaty and you hop in the shower and just stand there under the warm running water with your soap and loofah and you just have this refreshing feeling of getting clean and all you can say is AHHHHHHH! Thank you Lord! I needed that tonight!
Before I rave about how my night was sooo wonderful and refreshing, I must preface with the fact that last night, was NOT! Last night I snapped. Last night I broke. I got through it and thankfully Nathan stuck by my side...and didn't walk out on me, but it was rough. I am so thankful I have my God, my family, and my faith because without those I don't know where I'd be.
Well, I guess I don't have much to say tonight...maybe I'll have more to write after this "mother's day" weekend. Don't forget to tell those you love and hold dear to your heart that you love them...maybe several hundred times a day!
Before I rave about how my night was sooo wonderful and refreshing, I must preface with the fact that last night, was NOT! Last night I snapped. Last night I broke. I got through it and thankfully Nathan stuck by my side...and didn't walk out on me, but it was rough. I am so thankful I have my God, my family, and my faith because without those I don't know where I'd be.
Well, I guess I don't have much to say tonight...maybe I'll have more to write after this "mother's day" weekend. Don't forget to tell those you love and hold dear to your heart that you love them...maybe several hundred times a day!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
What a BEAUTIFUL day!
Today, even though I didn't give it too much thought was an absolute BEAUTIFUL day! The sun was shining, I didn't have to wear a coat to church (which is HUGE for me since I'm ALWAYS cold), and I was able to go to church and worship my LORD! Again Pastor Steve mentioned Nathan and I in his prayer and we were mentioned in the prayer section of the bulletin too, for this I am thankful as well...letting others know what we are going through and that it is devastating...but this was not the most touching.
I love to talk and speak what is on my mind to anyone willing to listen, but today after church, I was just speechless! Someone from the congregation came up to me after church (someone who I didn't think even knew my name) and said that he and his wife were praying for us and thinking of us often. He said that his wife had shared my blog with him and he was just touched by how courageous I was in writing what I did about my experience this time around. I was touched by this and told Nathan frequently after I miscarried the 3rd time that I didn't want to be this strong person...but I am because I've got the LORD on my side. I've got God's support as well as the support of family, friends, and church family. I am NOT alone in this and God will bring me through this. He will win in the end!
So, back to the day being beautiful. I was able to relax, again celebrate "friends" with my church family, the sun was shining, I took a nap cuddling Kyler, I spoke more with a friend who also went through issues with miscarriages and she just helped me through a few of my feelings/emotions, and I shared how much I love my husband and my son...several times today. What a great day all around. Tomorrow I go back to work for the week, but I'm anxious for that big day (May 23) coming up and it is one day closer to that...so for that too, I am thankful. Again, thank-you to everyone keeping us in your prayers. They truly are felt and if I don't say it to you personally, I really do appreciate all the love and support that I have in going through this. I don't feel as alone and I feel like I'm being uplifted in this very difficult time like I'm being carried on my father's shoulders or in his arms. What a great feeling and picture that brings to my mind!
I love to talk and speak what is on my mind to anyone willing to listen, but today after church, I was just speechless! Someone from the congregation came up to me after church (someone who I didn't think even knew my name) and said that he and his wife were praying for us and thinking of us often. He said that his wife had shared my blog with him and he was just touched by how courageous I was in writing what I did about my experience this time around. I was touched by this and told Nathan frequently after I miscarried the 3rd time that I didn't want to be this strong person...but I am because I've got the LORD on my side. I've got God's support as well as the support of family, friends, and church family. I am NOT alone in this and God will bring me through this. He will win in the end!
So, back to the day being beautiful. I was able to relax, again celebrate "friends" with my church family, the sun was shining, I took a nap cuddling Kyler, I spoke more with a friend who also went through issues with miscarriages and she just helped me through a few of my feelings/emotions, and I shared how much I love my husband and my son...several times today. What a great day all around. Tomorrow I go back to work for the week, but I'm anxious for that big day (May 23) coming up and it is one day closer to that...so for that too, I am thankful. Again, thank-you to everyone keeping us in your prayers. They truly are felt and if I don't say it to you personally, I really do appreciate all the love and support that I have in going through this. I don't feel as alone and I feel like I'm being uplifted in this very difficult time like I'm being carried on my father's shoulders or in his arms. What a great feeling and picture that brings to my mind!
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