Caged Birdie.....

Caged Birdie...That's the title of this new blog background. I see I haven't written in a LONG while, and I guess it's about time for an update on my life. I've now decided that maybe writing is therapeutic and I need to do more of it. I started writing journals whenever I got pregnant and found that I really enjoy looking back over my thoughts, so we'll see if I can keep up on blogging for a while instead of writing in a notebook. I'm NOT going to keep my emotions like a caged birdie. I WILL set them free.

Let's see, where to start. Well, my mood: ok. I just experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row and it just blows my mind that this happened yet again. Before this miscarriage happened and I was on number 2, I did not push for any further testing because I was told it was still probably bad luck and that the doctors didn't do testing til after 3. I was also VERY scared about finding out information that may KILL my spirit in wanting to carry another child. Maybe it's my selfishness, but maybe it's just pure faith. I believe deep down that I will carry another healthy pregnancy someday, but in the mean time, losing these precious gifts has been difficult. I know God's plan far outweighs my own plan and that God's plan is so much grander than my own, but it just plain sucks for right now having to be patient because the LORD knows I am not very good at being patient with anything!

Something about this miscarriage just seems different than the other 2 that I've experienced. I don't know whether it is good or bad, but I guess in a way I feel it's just more of the "normal" right now and so it's not affecting me as hard as my last miscarriage. Maybe it also has dawned on me that something needs to be done intervention wise to help me carry a pregnancy to term. I have not cried near what I did the last time (and maybe that is yet to come) but I still feel the loss quite the same.

I will end for tonight in saying I'm sad, but I made note shortly after I miscarried this time to my husband Nathan that I was NOT going to let the Devil get to me and cause me to be angry. He will NOT cause problems in my marriage because of this, he will NOT cause me to lose sight and faith! I am sad, yes, but I WILL go on. I know in my heart that the LORD has plans to prosper me and not to harm me! I did absolutely nothing wrong this time or any of the other times that I lost my babies. I will NOT be mad at God for I know that I will live with him AND my babies in heaven someday and I WILL enjoy the ride while I'm here. I've got a wonderful miracle living with me each and every day--Kyler Charles Studer! For now, goodnight...let's see if I can write my thoughts on a continual basis on here for how I'm doing/feeling. I know it really helps me to get my thoughts out.