Tonight's gonna be a good night! I just got that song stuck in my head...but I guess it fits. I didn't write last night, and don't think I'll have much time to write on here tonight since I have class, so I'm writing a few thoughts now while my students are in gym...
I woke up this morning and thanked God for being alive and able to breathe. When my husband called me on my way in to work, he asked me how I was doing. I told him, I'm good, and I'm happy. Today's gonna be a good day. He asked why? I said, well because it's the day God made and I'm not gonna let things get me down. To that my husband I felt responded by almost "mocking me" but again, I'm NOT gonna let that get me down. I don't think he meant anything by what he said, he just isn't at the same place I am with what has happened I guess. If you think about it, please pray for him that he will be able to open up to someone and deal with his grief. I hurt for him because he doesn't talk much and for me, talking just comes so naturally and I think I'm supposed to talk in order to go through my grief. I know everyone deals with grief differently and that my husband is very much different than I am in communicating, but I just feel so bad for him. My prayers are for him right now as I said earlier, I don't know how he is dealing with the grief because he doesn't even open up to me.
On another note, if you think about it, please pray for me with this whole process that I continue to have the faith in God and in doctors that they will find something that is wrong and be able to treat it. Something about this whole thing is just a little scary and when I think about it, it feels a little lonely. I have found a wonderful friend to talk with who has gone down the same road as myself and has had issues with sustaining a pregnancy and for that friend, I am VERY thankful! That friend is currently pregnant with twins after an IVF round in February. She could use some prayers as well. Alright, well I should probably sign off...oh, I guess one more thing before I go, please pray that I am able to accept what has happened and deal with my sister-in-law being pregnant with her first right now. The problem is not that she is pregnant, but that I felt we weren't extremely close before we both got pregnant, the pregnancy sort of brought us together and we were talking almost daily. Now, with my 3rd loss, I'm at a loss with what to do. I want to feel happy for her, but it's very difficult as I have felt a slew of emotions and don't know what to say or do and I don't think she knows what to do either. Please pray that God will show me his mercy and also comfort in this very difficult time. Thanks so much everyone for the prayers. I really truly can feel them and I know that God will not leave me! He is my rock!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Faith
I've just gotta have more!
In talking with one of my pastors today, I came to the realization that I don't have all the faith I thought I did. I thought I had the faith that I would make it through this tough time ok, I thought I had the faith that I'd carry a child again one day, I thought I had the faith in my doctor to do everything he could, but I still lacked some faith.
My pastor said to me today that I need to go down the road of finding an answer as to why I'm miscarrying all these times. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I know there IS a problem, and something HAS to be done about it. I came to the realization that I was not having the faith in God that he could make things happen in this area of my life as well. Something so simple, yet it went unrecognized at first. I think in part this was also due to fear...which I also came to realize is ok to have. I now see that I can think the road ahead may look scary, but I have to have the faith in God that HE will bring me through those times as well. He will be there holding my hand in that office if I get some devastating news (hopefully not) and he will carry me through. I now need to continue looking towards the days ahead and have faith that this will work out.
**On a different note, anyone have any ideas on how I can deal with family members that are very hurtful and unsympathetic?
In talking with one of my pastors today, I came to the realization that I don't have all the faith I thought I did. I thought I had the faith that I would make it through this tough time ok, I thought I had the faith that I'd carry a child again one day, I thought I had the faith in my doctor to do everything he could, but I still lacked some faith.
My pastor said to me today that I need to go down the road of finding an answer as to why I'm miscarrying all these times. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I know there IS a problem, and something HAS to be done about it. I came to the realization that I was not having the faith in God that he could make things happen in this area of my life as well. Something so simple, yet it went unrecognized at first. I think in part this was also due to fear...which I also came to realize is ok to have. I now see that I can think the road ahead may look scary, but I have to have the faith in God that HE will bring me through those times as well. He will be there holding my hand in that office if I get some devastating news (hopefully not) and he will carry me through. I now need to continue looking towards the days ahead and have faith that this will work out.
**On a different note, anyone have any ideas on how I can deal with family members that are very hurtful and unsympathetic?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Holy hormone crash Batman!
WOW have I gone through a slew of emotions today. I know it's because of my major hormone crash, but still I am sad. I will NOT let the Devil get to me! Satan better just step back!
I may not be able to talk so fluently face to face, but I can write out my emotions and they are truly what I feel, even if I can't express them out loud. Please keep praying. I can feel them and I know God is with me in this time of sorrow. I know my day is coming and it will be GRAND the things God has in store for me! I KNOW this and believe this.
I really don't have many other thoughts on my mind today other than that Nathan and Kyler are my EVERYTHING! I love them with ALL my heart. This morning I was able to crawl in bed with Kyler and just hold him for a few minutes while he slept. It was this that brings joy to my day. It also brings joy to me to know that Nathan is right here with me. He said to me today that he wants to be my rock. I knew this before, but he had never verbalized it like this before. It just brought more tears to my eyes, but I think they were happy tears. I promise. Alright, well I'm out of thoughts for the night, but I have one request of those of you that read this blog. Please if you see me with a frown or tears, don't ask why, just give me either a smile to brighten up with or a hug. You don't need to say anything, it's the little things that bring me joy. I have faith God will not let me go overlooked and I will have my 2nd child in my arms one day. Until then, I need all the simple reminders like smiles and hugs to show me that God cares.
I may not be able to talk so fluently face to face, but I can write out my emotions and they are truly what I feel, even if I can't express them out loud. Please keep praying. I can feel them and I know God is with me in this time of sorrow. I know my day is coming and it will be GRAND the things God has in store for me! I KNOW this and believe this.
I really don't have many other thoughts on my mind today other than that Nathan and Kyler are my EVERYTHING! I love them with ALL my heart. This morning I was able to crawl in bed with Kyler and just hold him for a few minutes while he slept. It was this that brings joy to my day. It also brings joy to me to know that Nathan is right here with me. He said to me today that he wants to be my rock. I knew this before, but he had never verbalized it like this before. It just brought more tears to my eyes, but I think they were happy tears. I promise. Alright, well I'm out of thoughts for the night, but I have one request of those of you that read this blog. Please if you see me with a frown or tears, don't ask why, just give me either a smile to brighten up with or a hug. You don't need to say anything, it's the little things that bring me joy. I have faith God will not let me go overlooked and I will have my 2nd child in my arms one day. Until then, I need all the simple reminders like smiles and hugs to show me that God cares.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Caged Birdie.....
Caged Birdie...That's the title of this new blog background. I see I haven't written in a LONG while, and I guess it's about time for an update on my life. I've now decided that maybe writing is therapeutic and I need to do more of it. I started writing journals whenever I got pregnant and found that I really enjoy looking back over my thoughts, so we'll see if I can keep up on blogging for a while instead of writing in a notebook. I'm NOT going to keep my emotions like a caged birdie. I WILL set them free.
Let's see, where to start. Well, my mood: ok. I just experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row and it just blows my mind that this happened yet again. Before this miscarriage happened and I was on number 2, I did not push for any further testing because I was told it was still probably bad luck and that the doctors didn't do testing til after 3. I was also VERY scared about finding out information that may KILL my spirit in wanting to carry another child. Maybe it's my selfishness, but maybe it's just pure faith. I believe deep down that I will carry another healthy pregnancy someday, but in the mean time, losing these precious gifts has been difficult. I know God's plan far outweighs my own plan and that God's plan is so much grander than my own, but it just plain sucks for right now having to be patient because the LORD knows I am not very good at being patient with anything!
Something about this miscarriage just seems different than the other 2 that I've experienced. I don't know whether it is good or bad, but I guess in a way I feel it's just more of the "normal" right now and so it's not affecting me as hard as my last miscarriage. Maybe it also has dawned on me that something needs to be done intervention wise to help me carry a pregnancy to term. I have not cried near what I did the last time (and maybe that is yet to come) but I still feel the loss quite the same.
I will end for tonight in saying I'm sad, but I made note shortly after I miscarried this time to my husband Nathan that I was NOT going to let the Devil get to me and cause me to be angry. He will NOT cause problems in my marriage because of this, he will NOT cause me to lose sight and faith! I am sad, yes, but I WILL go on. I know in my heart that the LORD has plans to prosper me and not to harm me! I did absolutely nothing wrong this time or any of the other times that I lost my babies. I will NOT be mad at God for I know that I will live with him AND my babies in heaven someday and I WILL enjoy the ride while I'm here. I've got a wonderful miracle living with me each and every day--Kyler Charles Studer! For now, goodnight...let's see if I can write my thoughts on a continual basis on here for how I'm doing/feeling. I know it really helps me to get my thoughts out.
Let's see, where to start. Well, my mood: ok. I just experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row and it just blows my mind that this happened yet again. Before this miscarriage happened and I was on number 2, I did not push for any further testing because I was told it was still probably bad luck and that the doctors didn't do testing til after 3. I was also VERY scared about finding out information that may KILL my spirit in wanting to carry another child. Maybe it's my selfishness, but maybe it's just pure faith. I believe deep down that I will carry another healthy pregnancy someday, but in the mean time, losing these precious gifts has been difficult. I know God's plan far outweighs my own plan and that God's plan is so much grander than my own, but it just plain sucks for right now having to be patient because the LORD knows I am not very good at being patient with anything!
Something about this miscarriage just seems different than the other 2 that I've experienced. I don't know whether it is good or bad, but I guess in a way I feel it's just more of the "normal" right now and so it's not affecting me as hard as my last miscarriage. Maybe it also has dawned on me that something needs to be done intervention wise to help me carry a pregnancy to term. I have not cried near what I did the last time (and maybe that is yet to come) but I still feel the loss quite the same.
I will end for tonight in saying I'm sad, but I made note shortly after I miscarried this time to my husband Nathan that I was NOT going to let the Devil get to me and cause me to be angry. He will NOT cause problems in my marriage because of this, he will NOT cause me to lose sight and faith! I am sad, yes, but I WILL go on. I know in my heart that the LORD has plans to prosper me and not to harm me! I did absolutely nothing wrong this time or any of the other times that I lost my babies. I will NOT be mad at God for I know that I will live with him AND my babies in heaven someday and I WILL enjoy the ride while I'm here. I've got a wonderful miracle living with me each and every day--Kyler Charles Studer! For now, goodnight...let's see if I can write my thoughts on a continual basis on here for how I'm doing/feeling. I know it really helps me to get my thoughts out.
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